The theatergoers of today bemoan, not without reason, the decline of theater which once played quite a major role in Soviet public life. Feeling bereaved I also remain convinced that what primarily caused the decline are the phantasmagorias put on around us by our age of transition, shows that have upstaged the most talented spectacles with their plots, productions, and above all actors. Look how much wit and burlesque comedy is at times displayed by the most serious and high, especially political, actors in this theater of life. But not only this.
I happened to be told to write about the conference of a Kyiv Russian movement devoted to the problems of the Russian language. High on the conference’s agenda were reports and papers by many professors and doctors of philosophy: prominent names and a substantial program, judging by the titles of the papers to be read. Yet, I felt somewhat sad going there: I did not want to hear clever, educated, and basically sane people gathered on the banks of the Dnipro in Kyiv trying to prove that we do not exist. There is nothing – no nation, history, or language: it is all a Fata Morgana. But in whose head?
I do not know what the conference resulted in (it was dull, after all), but it commenced with a predictably mindless Russo-Ukrainian farce. In the hall there was a lady, perhaps a Prosvita member, challengingly dressed in a Ukrainian costume. Those present interpreted the lady’s attire as a provocation that offends Russian sentiments. When I entered the hall, the situation resembled the Verkhovna Rada theater at the height of its glory. The audience roared menacingly like an African volcano, the chairman was helplessly trying to put things in order, while all the other wise men and women onstage spoke at once. A few hale and hearty fellows surrounded the embroidered- bloused lady and tried to unclasp her hands and feet from the chair. It took them great pains to do so, though the lady was not of the first (maybe not even second) youth. When the dissenter was at last led – rather carried – away, her crystal voice victoriously rumbled over all the others. It was simply absurd. Can you tell me what did this insurgent want to achieve? On the other hand, was it so necessary to carry her off? Secrecy? Why not let her take a seat, listen, and learn something from such wise people?
Let me now make a more serious – international – point. It is not common knowledge (the media not always inform us on time) that relations between Ukraine and Turkey are today on the verge of complete collapse, at least in the commercial sphere. Why? Could it be Turkey’s territorial pretensions on the Crimea or demands to make Crimean-Tatar the third official language of Ukraine? (Neither exists – Ed.)
Let us refer to the ultimatum delivered to Turkey through its embassy in Ukraine. This document draws the Turkish government’s attention to the unprecedented shameful conduct of a Turkish citizen, namely, the Ecumenical Patriarch (incidentally, the first ranking person in the world Orthodoxy). In particular, “Bartholomew, the Patriarch of Constantinople, contrary to an agreement with the Russian Orthodox Church, has received a delegation of the so-called Ukrainian Autocephalous Church.” The patriarch is also guilty that one of his metropolitans sent a Christmas message to the Ukrainian Autocephalous Orthodox Church (UAOC) “schismatists” and – good Lord! – called them “brethren in episcopacy.” The ultimatum also informs the government of Turkey of a fact hitherto unknown to but vital for the Turks as Muslims: UAOC founder Vasyl Lypkivsky was “blasphemously ordained” as bishop in 1922 in Ukraine (the story here would take a separate article, but their were some canonical problems – Ed.). The poor Turks could not even guess what this was all about.
The ultimatum claims that the Ecumenical Patriarch’s actions “hurt the sentiments of millions of Orthodox citizens of Ukraine” and amount to “intrusion into the canonical territory of the Moscow Patriarchate.” These actions “discredit the state of Turkey and undermine its relations with Ukraine.” The message concludes with threats to the Turkish government perhaps comparable with the measures the White House plans against world terrorism, “In case the Patriarch of Constantinople continues to meddle in Ukrainian affairs, we will call on the Orthodox citizens of Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine to boycott Turkish health resorts, break cooperation with Turkish construction firms, and not to buy Turkish-made goods” (the syntax is untranslatable but a good stab at real Russian – Ed.). It is difficult to picture the likely devastating results of this threat. In any case, the admission of Turkey to the EU becomes far more problematic, while Ukrainian women will again remain, pardon the expression, without drawers. In conclusion, let it be known that the ultimatum was presented by the Odesa-based United Russian Fatherland Society which works for the complete and simultaneous triumph in Ukraine of the Russian language and the Russian church.
I think the this document is on a par with and, given the “magnitude” of thinking, even surpasses the prose written by Babel, Ilf, Petrov, or even the greatly respected Mr. Zhvanetsky. One must never believe the rumors that Odesa humor is dead. The Day looks forward to the yet more important international documents drafted on Mala Arnautska Street.
